Pornography and masturbation, a conversation I don’t think many parents are excited to have with their children. We prefer to preserve their innocence for as long as we can, but the world makes that increasingly impossible. Sex is everywhere: it’s in music, on television, social media, etc. There is no escaping it.
I had been putting the porn and masturbation conversation off for as long as possible, and the time had come for me to put my hesitations aside and get it done. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to my son; I just wasn’t exactly sure what to say and when to say it for fear that I might pique his interest too early. My parents never sat me down to have one single discussion about sex, and after talking it over with my friends, their parents didn’t as well. So this was uncharted territory for me.
Statistics say 11 is the average age kids are exposed to pornography, which means that it could be even younger in the world we live in today, so I was seriously behind, being that my son is 13. I grabbed my laptop and notebook to do a little research on what other parents were saying to their children. I wanted to make sure I approached this conversation in the best way possible and covered all my bases. Since my son is a bit older, I went a little more in-depth. I knew this would be uncomfortable for us both, so I decided to discuss it during a car ride. In my opinion, having talks during a car ride makes things a little more relaxed. It also gives them no place to run. So we hopped in the car, grabbed some milkshakes at Chick-Fila, turned some music on, and began cruising the streets.
Parents, you want to make sure you’re calm, honest and keep the facial expressions to a minimum. Try to create a safe space and make them feel that they can express themselves openly. I started the conversation by telling him sex and masturbation are very natural and that he should not feel ashamed. Then I asked him what he already knew. That way, I could correct misinformation. So below are all the key points I discussed.
Reality vs. Fantasy
- One of the most important things I think we should lead with is that porn is mostly based on fantasy and not necessarily reality. The images portrayed are not an accurate representation of real relationships, interaction, safety, and physical appearance.
2. Sex comes with emotions and plenty of conversation, things you may never see portrayed in porn. Communication is a must in sex, so you and your partner can understand each other’s wants and needs, starting with the most crucial part of the conversation, which is verbal consent. Nothing should ever be assumed when it comes to sex.
3. Since there are various types of porn categories, you should explain that they may come across content that is not the best portrayal of how most people engage and have sex.
4. When it comes to physical appearance, you will often see men and women with surgically or hormonally enhanced bodies. Camera angles further exaggerate their appearance. Based on these factors, you should not draw comparisons between what you see or what the expectations are of your or your partners’ bodies.
5. Though you will rarely see condoms in porn, practicing safe sex is a must at all times.
6. Pornography is a form of entertainment, not the best tutor for sex education and how to have a healthy sexual relationship.
Dangers of Porn
Additional points for discussion are exploitation, porn addiction, and not giving out any of your personal information.
7. Porn is a big business, and while there are people who sign up to work in the industry, many people are forced into it. Women and children being affected the most. Sex trafficking is a billion-dollar business, so watching porn could indirectly support sex trafficking.
8. It is illegal to send sexually explicit content to someone under eighteen and can come with criminal charges.
9. Porn is known to have adverse effects on your personality, relationships, focus, and daily activities. You can develop a porn addiction. If you feel that it is becoming a problem and taking over your life, you should seek help. Pornography is a common addiction from which many people suffer.
10. Do not give out any personal information or sign up for anything! Many of these sites are predatory, asking for personal information while infecting your devices and tracking you online.
Cleanliness and Privacy
11. Masturbating or watching porn should never be done publicly, only in private.
12. Good hygiene is important. Washing your hands should always be done before and after. And because my son is old enough I have him wash his own sheets.
13. Define key terminology. Because I have a boy, some of the terms I reviewed with him were erection, ejaculation, and wet dreams.
These are all the points I reviewed with my son. Of course, you can tailor the conversation to your child’s needs. Remember, this is not a one-and-done conversation. Sex is something that we should discuss with our children as they continue to mature. Keep an open door and let them know you are here to chat anytime.
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